you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
