dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
