Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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