I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
