I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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