Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
