Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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