The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
