I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
