Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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