You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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