Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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