I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
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I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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