I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
