I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
