If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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