It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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