If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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