Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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