Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
