i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
