Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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