this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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