My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
