Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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