I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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