Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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