I puked a lego.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
