Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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