my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
