If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
