you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
