which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
