he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
