The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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