Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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