She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
