So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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