i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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