The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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