i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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