I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My bed smells like the plague
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
