Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
