If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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