you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
