her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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