Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
