I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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