I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
