Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
