she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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