good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
