I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
