I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Damn victory sex feels great
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
