god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
