The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
