My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
