You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
ttyl tear gas
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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