Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
