She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
